As a child I was physically abused by my mum’s partner. The abuse occured over many years and entailed having my head held under water in the bathroom sink and being forced to hold a vacuum cleaner above my head for a prolonged period. One particular incident which sticks in my mind entailed my mum’s partner twisting my arm so hard that I thought it would break. My mum was outside the front door and was not able to see what was happening inside the house. She called to me asking whether I would like to go to the supermarket with her. I answered “yes” and Dave (I’ll use his real name as none of you know who I am) said I couldn’t go and twisted my arm behind my back until I called to my mum that I had changed my mind and that I did not, in fact wish to accompany her to the supermarket.
Another vivid incident which remains indelibly imprinted in my mind involved me reading an amusing book while my mum and Dave where watching television. The book being very amusing I laughed frequently. Once my mum went to bed Dave strangled me and said that I shouldn’t have laughed. Obviously he didn’t kill me  or I’d hardly be writing this now! However he did cut off my air supply for several seconds and I was, to put it mildly extremely frightened.
These experiences knocked a great deal of confidence out of me and I believe that they are a significant factor explaining why I use prostitutes. I like women and love chatting about books and other things which interest me. I often make ladies laugh and know that I have a good sense of humour. However I find it difficult to pluck up the courage to ask ladies out. It is all too easy to pick up the phone and order an escort from an escort agency. Encounters with escorts don’t entail love. At best one achieves a sexual release and can enjoy a conversation with a nice lady but, at worst they leave me feeling empty and sad.
I have had several long-term relationships with ladies including one failed marriage.
I need a proper relationship but to achieve this I need to give up my use of sex workers, take my courage in both hands and go out and meet ladies.